I fell into a black hole because I ignored myself from the moment I woke up. We planned to take a New Year’s Day flight to the coast – Half Moon Bay, Shelter Cover – someplace fun and different. I went to bed at 10pm on New Year’s Eve, expecting to wake rested and ready. I woke up groggy and grouchy. (Not hungover – it just felt like it…)
Cold weather overnight caused frost on the plane, delaying our blast-off. Our son was in a brackish mood. Maybe he had a bellyache. Maybe he had a headache. Maybe it was the position of the Moon. Who knows. All I know is that all morning, he engaged in terrorist activities to belittle my ego. Nothing I did could turn his attitude.
I needed to clear the garbage from my mind. Instead of admitting – “I need to get in a workout before we do anything,” I ignored myself and persisted with the plan, starting a downward spiral.
I started thinking that the day was wasted. I started thinking that I was a terrible father. I started thinking that the year ahead was the most important of our life. I started thinking that I wasn’t prepared to make this the best year of our life. I languished in a dark, smothering cloud.
I started comparing myself everyone else. I started questioning my life’s decisions. I started wondering what would happen if I failed. I started wondering how I would fail. I started wondering why I would fail. I started wondering what everyone else would think when I failed.
Everyone seemed happier, smarter, and more successful.
I was killing my emotional self.
I am an “up” person because I believe that most things are possible with the right work allocated to a desired outcome. Determining the “right work” is hard – nearly impossible in most cases. This is hard fact for me, yet I believe that when you listen to yourself and follow your bliss, the universe transpires to help you. (Thank you Joseph Campbell for articulating this for me.)
I make the right decisions – morally, emotionally, spiritually. I do the right things. And there are no guarantees. But I want one. Because I’m human. So instead I’m left with controlling that which I can control – my personal happiness.
Who is everyone?
What is failure?
What is success?
Who was this person that overtook my mind?
The answers are irrelevant because the questions are absurd.
“Today is gone. Today was fun. Tomorrow is another one. Every day, from here to there, funny things are everywhere.”